I was unhappily married to my first wife and looking for an out. I
had just started my own CPA practice and my first client was a
topless bar. The owner, Jack, made Homer Simpson look like a winner.
He was lucky once. A bomb was planted in his car and his bartender
went out to start it. Luckily the bartender didn't close the door
when he started it. A bomb went off and he lost his legs. The open
door saved his life.
I was a drunk I had an office in the suburbs. I would leave at noon and go there for lunch at 5pm or 6 or 7 I would head for home. He could not pay me so I had an open tab. At the end of the month we would burn the tabs.
The darling wife would spend the summer at her parents cottage in Canada. I would leave Saturday morning and come home Sunday Night. I noticed that the night bartender was not closing the till when he rung up a sale. This is the first sign of a bartender skimming. I noticed that the nights were much busier than the days. The money turned in from the night shift was less that the day.
I told Jack and had him switch to nights for a week. The money in the night was now more than the day. Day sales went down while the number of customers stayed the same. The bartender was fired. The word in the street was that he blamed me and was going to kill me. I got the word back to him that I tried to save his job for him and he thanked me.
He was known for breaking both legs with one swing of the baseball bat that he kept behind the bar.
One problem Jack had among many was that the there was a biker club a block away and the bikers would come to the bar often. Jack had a good working relationship with the president of the club. Jack would let them in the bar and they would not destroy it. He added a second thing. They don't mess with the accountant.
I was sitting in the bar and a fight broke out. I was calmly drinking my beer I saw a body flying at me. I ducked just on time as it went over my head and the bar and landed on the fool behind the bar. He moved so I figured he would survive and I continued drinking.
One day an IRS agent was coming in. I told Jack to go to the clubhouse and not come back until I come for him.
The agent came in and I had him sit by the stage. He ordered a burger, fries and a beer. Between dances the dancers came to our table and sat with us. They made him feel at home. Plumb forgot about what he was there for. This happened once a week for a month. He never did tell me what he wanted.
A couple of months later Jack called me and said, "Lee! I almost killed a couple of IRS agents!"
I said, "What happened Jack?"
He told his story, "These two agents came with a order to supply my records. The one guy threatened me and I was ready to get my gun. The other one was ok and he said to give you a power of attorney and bring the records."
I went to IRS. I met the two clowns that almost died from stupidity.
I gave them the power of attorney and they said, "Where are the records?"
I said in a calm and collective voice, "You two came in and hassled my client. It sounded like the old good guy bad guy routine."
The one said, "We saw it on TV the night before and thought we would try it."
My look was stern in fact it was my best you pissed me off look and I said, "You are lucky to be alive. Someday you are going to try that with the wrong person and get your but shot. If you ever pull that shit on another one of my clients again I will see to it that your asses are out of work."
(Before I continue I want everyone to know that most IRS agent are dedicated and intelligent. They are good at what they do. I have had problems with only 4 agents. I even did income taxes for some agents. I have found that if you treat an agent with respect and are honest with them that you will get the same treatment.)
I told them, "There were no records. I can get the purchases from the vendors, printouts for other expenses and bank records for the three years. I can get the sales tax returns from the state.
I know the W-2 forms were filed so I will get them from you and do
the quarterlies based on them."
The W-2 forms are in a warehouse in Cincinnati if they are not on computer tape they are never put in the system. (Not true anymore but back then it was.)
I got what information I could and estimated 3 years of tax returns. His wife worked and had withholding taxes. On the returns I noted that certain figures were estimated and explained how I did it. He got about $3000 back.
The bar was going down the tubes. Jack was an alcoholic and gambling addict. The bikers had to be kicked out. I convinced him that he should sell out. I hated to do it because I would have to start paying for the booze unless I could put together a deal where I would run it for a percentage.
I got another CPA and a lawyer I knew.
The CPA and I came in for lunch. It was slow so the dancers spent their time with us. The barmaid came over and showed a gun in her belt. She said, "You may want to leave. I may have to blow the guy away at the bar. The guy did not want to stick around. Later that day a women came in high on drugs. They would not serve her so she wiped out the cars in the parking lot with her car mine included.
The next day the lawyer came in. He had a young associate with him. He asked me to let the guy take my car to the office to get his car and he would drop me off to pick up my car when we were finished.. As the guy was driving away he asked how both sides got banged in, I told him about the woman and how she knocked my car into the one next to it and totaled both of them.
For some reason he was worried about his car. I told them both that if they put in the money I could run the place. We would each get a third. I could handle the bikers. The president and most of the others liked me. I had talked to them and they said they had the clubhouse fixed up so the would not hang out there anymore. If they came in it would be without colors and only 2 or 3 of them.
One of the new members tried to hassle me by trying to get me to buy him a drink, I told him I would kick his as if he didn't leave me alone. The other bikers told him he was on his own. The next day he had a broken leg and apologized.
The deal did not go through. I couldn't convince the backers that it was a safe deal.
Today the bar is a big money maker. I met my 2nd wife there after the new owner took over.
© Copyright 2001 Lee W. Gaylord